The World According to Beasley the Wonder Horse
Advice Column for Equines, Humans and Other Species

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As always, this is for charity, entertainment purposes and fun only.


Responses from Beasley the Wonder Horse

Barbela ONeil, a ragdoll cat, asks: What words of love and gratitude do you have for your human?
Beasley's advice: Dear human, thank you for plucking me from the depths and obscurity of a life as an unwanted PMU foal. Thank you for taking care of me in sickness and in health. Thank you for the good times and the bad (sorry about that last ride). Thank you for giving me the best life you can give. And thank you to The Other for indulging my human's love for me through your generosity and compassion for her and sorry about the unfortunate broom tripping event. Much Love, Beasley the Wonder Horse...
Calvin, a 14 yr old Appendix gelding, asks: Dear Besley, Thanks for being there for us pasture/barn bound ones. I am trying to impress the mini-mare my human brought in a couple months ago, but she doesn't want anything to do with me. She runs away when I gallop after her showing off my high tail and gorgeous mane. What's a Geld to do???
Beasley's advice: Galloping after the mini of your dreams, how gauche! You must present your best side. Stand on a hill with your mane and tail flowing behind you, whip out your blackberry and order up the most sumptuous bouquet of alfalfa. After it is delivered, saunter down the hill and say, "Whoa baby, some museum lost their work of art!"
Barbara, owner of Vince, asks: Dear Beas, I'm privileged to be the attendant to a horse, Vince, possibly as demanding of high standards as you are. I have met someone who might wind up being The Other for Vince, and was wondering if you might have any tips for how to prepare each of them for meeting. Should I bring my fire extinguisher?
Beasley's advice: First, I am happy to meet Vince, please offer him a Dubonnet with twist on my behalf. Second, you're very own Other. Now a few simple rules for preparation of a meeting between your own eligible Other and the Horse of your Dreams. 1. Instruct your Other to bring treats, preside over the meeting with a 100 cotton towel draped over his forearm and to keep a hammer and pliers in his tool belt for all the repairs that an Other is required to do. 2. Then instruct your Other on how to address Vince, "Sir, how may I help you?" "Sir, if standing on my big toe helps you in any way, please continue" and "How may I repair that board you've chewed to bits?" Once these ground rules have been set, your very own Other will work remarkably well with the horse of your dreams.
Husband Geek from NYC, asks: What are your 5 favorite things about The Other?
Beasley's advice: Oh my such difficult questions. For Existentialism and now I must come up with favorite things about The Other. Too much time has elapsed. The question cannot be completed.
Q: Do you read Zenyattas diary post?
Beasley's advice: Zenyatta has a diary? Am I mentioned in it? Does she profess her true love for me? Where does she hide it? Does Bernardini know? Excerpt from Zenyatta's diary: "Dear Diary, I love Beasley the Wonder Horse! How will I tell Bernardini?"
Q: Dear Beasley, Why do the squirrels outside my door keep stealing the things I leave on the porch? I would be happy to give these things to them if they asked first, but stealing is just wrong. Eagerly awaiting your insight, Amy
Beasley's advice: Oh easy. The squirrels have no Raymour & Flanigan in squirrel land and must use your items as pieces of furniture for their humble abodes. Might I suggest that you purchase doll furniture or make suitable furniture for these poor desperate creatures and place that on your porch. Yes, stealing is wrong but desperate times call for desperate measures.
Zenyatta, a mare from KY, asks: I love to support good causes, and this is a great one. Would like to thank you personally one Wonderhorse to another. Keep up the good work
Beasley's advice: As ardent Beasley the Wonder Horse fans and followers, you all know I had a thing for Zenyatta and even traveled down to KY where she was running, pining and mewling after her. I tossed bouquets of alfalfa at her feet, whispered sweet nothings in her ears and did her bidding. I cried and begged for her love. After all this time, I've heard nary a word from her until now when I receive only a simple note and not even signed "Love...Love Zenyatta." And, she is pregnant by another! Who is this Bernardini fellow anyway? Alas and woe is me! ;)
JJ Impress, a 24 yr old Quarter Horse, asks: Dear Beasley, my mom won't be able to be with me for Christmas this year (she's visiting me next weekend though) since she had to move away and can't take me with her yet but she promises me that Santa still knows where to find me. I am not sure what to ask for though I thought you might have some clever ideas. :)
Beasley's advice: First, might I suggest that prior to her visit, you read Chapter 12, Sub Section 24 of The Secret Horse Handbook: Making Your Very Own Human Do Your Bidding through the Marvels of Guilt. It is a lengthy chapter involving googly eyes, little soft nickers and squeezing out a tear or two. Then once those are perfected, write a serious list of needs; flat screen TV to replace the B&W with rabbit ears, Blackberry (every horse must have one) and canaps from John de Louis in NYC. Then, hence and whence upon her visit, practice the googly eyes, nickers and tears. When she is weeping with guilt, slip her the list and watch as she blasts through the crowds at Best Buy to do your bidding. Forget Santa...all he brings us horses are sugar cubes and carrots. Carrots, schmarrots, demand those canaps and your Christmas will be golden.
Sunny, a Morgan/Saddlebred/Paint gelding, asks: I don't have a question, Beasley. Just wanted to thank you for thinking of the less fortunate among us equines. Keep up the good work, and keep the humans laughing. When they're in a good mood, there are more treats for us. You're a gent, man. Love ya. Sunny the Paint
Beasley's advice: First, must I say a true Smorgasbord your breeding is. Second, as a rescue horse myself, we try to give back. As you all know, I was born a poor bay colt on the North Dakota plains. Swooped up and adopted by my human to live the life of luxury in NY. Since I'm commutable via limo to NYC, I do partake in the parties and gallery openings down there and have been known to walk Anna Wintour's runway as a male model until I was thrown off for not wearing Chinchilla. Kisses to you Sunny and the humans in your life! Thank you for supporting our fundraising drive!
Teri (human), asks: Why is it that our animals think they rule the house and we must cater to their every whim, ASAP?
Beasley's advice: My dearest friend Teri who has been a fan of Beasley the Wonder Horse for a long time - Hi! The answer to this question is the look. It's not that we rule anything, we simply are so genuinely and so sincerely cute, that humans melt at our mere ploy for food or attention. Please refer to The Secret Horse Handbook, Chapter 18, Sub Section 22: Ruling the Barn. By savvy use of big, brown, dewy eyes and quivering lips, a horse will ingratiate oneself into ruling of the household and will receive meals quicker and with better presentation, (ie, Cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off) than said Others of the world.
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About Beasley:
Beasley is Thoroughbred/Percheron/Quarter Horse cross, and a PMU horse. A PMU is a by-product of the hormone replacement therapy drug industry. They need pregnant mare urine to make Premarin and other estrogen drugs, and foals are a by-product of the process. Many are unwanted, so always look to horse adoption agencies, rescues and retirement agencies before purchasing a new horse. You never know where you'll find a diamond in the rough like Beasley! Beasley is on Facebook

Beasley's person, June Evers, has appeared on TV shows such as Petsburgh USA as their "horse lifestyle advisor," The Pet Department, Good Day NY and various local stations. She currently co-hosts a radio show called Horse Talk that you can hear every Saturday morning at 7:30 a.m. EST by logging onto wtbq.com. She also appears at Equine Affaire and events demonstrating how to make horse treats and presenting horse drawing clinics.

Beasley is sponsored by Horse Hollow Press: Your source for horse books, equine gifts, equestrian magnets & buttons, horsey bumperstickers, stall & stable products, party favors and much, much more! www.horsehollowpress.com
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